CHURCH MARQUEE SIGNS:
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"
"Under same management for over 2000 years"
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church"
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due"
"A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary"
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"
"What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow"
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"
"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies"
"If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard"
One day a man was driving his car,and was stopped by a policeman,who happened to look into the man's back seat,and saw several long swords.
"What are all those swords for?"the policeman asked.The man replied;"I'm a juggler,and they are part of my act."
The policeman didn't really buy that,so he said "OK,why don't you show ME your act.Let's see you actually juggle those swords,then I'll believe you."
"OK,"the man said.Getting out of his car,he took the swords and began to juggle them perfectly.
Just then a Christian couple drove by,and the man said to his wife,"I sure am glad I got saved and quit drinking,just look at the kind of sobriety tests they're giving these days!"
Only one,but the bulb must repent of its darkness and be willing to be changed.
Ten,but they will need to debate whether or not the bulb actually exists.Even then,they still may not change it,for fear of alienating those who use florescent bulbs.
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
None. They use candles.
Ten,one to change the bulb,and nine to pray against the darkness.
Three,one to cast it out,and two more to catch it as it falls.
At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also one to provide a casserole.
Only one, because any more than that would be Ecumenicalism.
Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
What's a light bulb??
A group of kids were playing church,and decided to have a baptism.The problem was that the only candidate for baptism they could find was a cat.
Needless to say,the cat didn't take kindly to being dunked under the water.Finally,after wrestling with the cat for over an hour,one of the kids took a handful of water,poured it on the cat's head,and said "OK,be a Methodist then."
Message I once saw on a church sign;
What is missing?
Actual Announcements (Misprints) From Church "Bulletins"
The 1991 Spring Council retreat will be hell May 10 & 11
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Irving Beltson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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